Many of us have had a relative, friend, or even an acquaintance that has encountered a miscarriage. Awkwardly though, have you groped for the right words of comfort to give your condolences to the sufferer? I have. While attempting to respect the person’s privacy you say a few words and the conversation ends in an uncomfortable silence. As an outsider looking in, do we really understand the pain and suffering of the person or couple that have just experienced the loss of their child by miscarriage? Do we understand why they may choose to say very little? There are painful reasons for their silence.

As friends or relatives, we need to understand that the mother has undergone a horrific trauma to her body. In many instances the fetus or baby has been dead for a number of days before the mother has realized what exactly occurred. The mother may experience a myriad of symptoms such as severe abdominal pain, cramping, nausea, sweating, weakness, and diarrhea. Symptoms may start before and continue after the expulsion of the baby. Even if a mother has a D & C Procedure (dilation and curettage) to remove the dead baby, she may still feel physically drained for a period of time thereafter. An understanding of such physical limitations should help others not to make any undue physical demands upon her.

As a result of their tragedy, there is the additional emotional strain that the mother and father cannot escape. Their dreams of a handsome son or a beautiful daughter have disappeared. Physical pain will heal; but it is the emotional pain that endures. For some, at this time it may be too painful to discuss with anyone outside the immediate family what they are feeling. Pressuring a couple about the details of the miscarriage would not be wise. As time goes on and healing takes place, the mother or father may choose to discuss the loss. Professional grief counseling can be very helpful in this regard.

Just reading excerpts from forums and message boards of women that have experienced miscarriages, it’s apparent that many women are unprepared to deal with the physical aspects, emotional feelings, or the process and medical procedures that they are suddenly thrust into. Countless books, articles, and classes exist to guide mothers through normal childbirth. Perhaps additional education for pregnant mothers, especially first-time pregnancies, should include the negative possibilities, signs and symptoms of a possible miscarriage. The fathers should also be educated in recognizing possible pregnancy problems. According to American Pregnancy, http://www.americanpregnancy.org/main/statistics.html, 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage resulting in approximately 600,000 miscarriages yearly. Of course, that figure could be higher if you include non-reported pregnancies ending in a miscarriage. Miscarriage is a common reality and should be discussed openly and frankly with a woman’s doctor.

No doubt you may have already met someone who has had a miscarriage or you may unexpectedly talk to someone about this in the near future. Surprisingly, I have personally met four different families in the last two years that have suffered a miscarriage. So, compassionately continue to sympathize and console those that have lost a child by miscarriage. Be a good listener–do not ask a lot of questions. The mother and/or father may choose to share more details with you at a later date when they are ready. Or, they may not. However, you can certainly understand why they may choose the “shroud of silence.”