I often get emails from wives who want to know how to first get their husbands away from the mistress or other woman, and then how to keep him away from her for good.  Because it’s almost impossible to move on or save a marriage when you are wondering if he’s with her (both literally, in his heart, or in his mind) or if he can be trusted. In short, this woman is standing between you and your husband and she has to go.  But, here’s the rub.  In order for her to go, your husband needs to be the one to pull away from her and mean it.  In the following article, I will offer advice and tips on how to make this happen.

Understand His Payoff.  What Is He Getting From Her That Keeps Him Coming Back?:  Often, when I ask wives why they think their husband is drawn to the other woman, the wife will almost always say something to do with sex.  I’ll usually hear responses like “well obviously she must be willing to do things in the bedroom that I’m not,” or “maybe the sex is hot or new or different,” or “maybe she just has something that I don’t.”

Believe it or not, the actual payoff usually isn’t related to sex.  Overwhelmingly, men cheat for emotional reasons.  This is just the truth, although very few men will admit to this.  Men cheat because they are usually feeling bad about themselves or are in a vulnerable spot.  Usually, the pay off that he’s getting is a boost to his self esteem, feeling understood, feeling appreciated, feeling attractive, or feeling young and worthy again.

You need to understand exactly what he’s getting out of this so that you know how to approach this.  It’s rare that a man will tell you what is behind his decision.  But, if you take inventory of his life and his behavior, you can often come up with a very plausible theory that is quite often right.  This will let you know what you’re dealing with and where his vulnerabilities are.  Now, you can’t fix your husband’s low self esteem and he really doesn’t deserve for you to build him up after he’s let you down in this way. But, at least you know where his head is so that when you do get to a place where you’re working on the marriage, you’ll know what he needs to address.

Know That She Will Slip Up Sooner Or Later: Many wives don’t believe me when I say this, but often all you need to do is bide your time with dignity and grace.  Because if you go off on your husband and pour on the negative emotions and threats, you only make the other woman’s job easier.  She’s sitting there smelling like a rose while you look like the crazy, out of control one – so, you’re playing right into her hands.  

Here’s the thing that you need to understand about her.  She’s presenting a farce to your husband.  She’ll seem to be low maintenance and will appear to be offered with “no strings attached,” but what woman is going to offer herself up for nothing in return for very long?  Who would be that stupid?  Eventually, she’s going to start making demands. She’s going to start to demand more of his time or want a commitment.  His bad habits are going to start to annoy her and she’s going to begin to get impatient with only being “the other woman.”  Typically when this happens, the appeal to her will become less.  The pay off that he was getting becomes less frequent or is just not worth it.  This is when you are in a position of strength.

Don’t Give Him Any Choice. Make Sure He Knows That Keeping The Other Woman Around Is NOT Acceptable: Tell your husband straight out that having three people in your marriage is an unacceptable deal breaker.  Make sure he knows that you’re going to catch him if he keeps this up and you’re not going to stand for it.  (There are many ways to keep track of this.  You can put a GPS tracker on his car.  You can put spy ware on his computer. )  Demand that he cease all contact with her and if he works with her, tell him that he must ask for a transfer or at least set some very strict boundaries at work.  Then, keep him so busy that he just doesn’t have the time to see or communicate with her anymore.

If he balks at this or you catch him still seeing or communicating with her on the sly, tell him that you’re going to repeat again that this a deal breaker.  If he still persists, you must leave or make him leave.  He will not respect you at all if you allow him to have both a mistress and a marriage.  If this is the case, tell him that he’s clearly not ready to deal with your marriage as he’s still carrying on with some one else.  If you still want to save the marriage, tell him to contact you once he’s chosen to stay away from her once and for all. 

I know that this doesn’t sound like a lot of fun.  But, no marriage can work if a husband is dealing with two woman.  To save your marriage, you must have his undivided attention and commitment.  If he can’t or won’t give you that, then you must preserve your self worth and cut him lose until he chooses to change this.