Many of us often hear cliché’ phrases such as, “Love yourself”, or “Live your best life”, but what if these quotes were encouraging our narcissism instead of helping us truly deal with our traumas? To answer this, we must ask ourselves, “What is the difference between “love” and “respect”. Is it self-love to be selfish or to engage in pleasurable behavior, or is self-love actually about setting boundaries and respecting your own sanity? In today’s dating culture, we often find ourselvse bewildered and confused in what appears to be a cycle of…
“Talk. Spend time together. Develop attachment. Engage in physical actions (kissing, hugging, sex, etc..), spending more time together. Distance. Coldness. Break up.”
Why is this pattern so common in today’s world? Is it because we have seemingly limitless dating options via the internet and we have “fear of missing out syndrome”? Is it because divorce is now so common, we no longer trust love? Does it stem from childhood memories of parents fighting? Is it due to the rising trend of atheism and seeing ourselves as “all-knowing” and the ultimate arbiters of moralty? Is the narccisism that is promoted today whereas everyone is obsessed with how many likes, follows, and attention they get on their totum-pole of self-worship? Are people more worried about their “social-credit” and hyper-competitivness with showing off their career awards while seeing family obligations and relationships as burdens? Is the legal system when has incentivized single parent behavior through welfare, alimony, and expensive lawyers?
The answer is all of the above! There is an all out war and attack on the virtues of marriage, family, and the character trait of “modesty”. Modesty rules over our society just a generation or two ago. Elaborate outfits, cursing in public, showing off tattoos, professional boxers “selling” a fight by getting into arguments,… these things were unacceptable prior to the 1960s. This is the decade known as the “free-love”, “hippie” era, whereas society sought to cast off the chains of conservatism. Divorce was destigamtized. Interacial relations. Casual drug use. and so on.
Some good did come out of the liberalization of the United States after the 1960s. Women had the ability to earn their own incomes and be financially independent. People with addictions and other social embarassments were now being treated with more dignity and less stigma. Racism was combated and acceptance of lesser known religions became more acceptable. Casual sex was retitled as “free-love.” Recreational drug use became popular and greatly encouraged. However, were there any negative drawbacks? What if the pendulum swung too far in one direction? Is conservatism a way to control people or does it offer some protections?
Fast forward to the year 2021. Tolerating drug use, divorce, women making fun of stay at home moms, dating apps designed for casual sex, record numbers of xanax presciptions and casual drug use… these are now our “norms.” A woman who chooses to stay at home as a homemaker is now considered something to made fun of by the career woman. The atheist calls the believer “stupid” or “unscientific”. Having no tattoos makes you “boring”. If you have only had one sexual partner your entire life, people now say — “You need to live life and see what is out there!”
But what if there are advantages towards children having a stay at home parent? What if the Bible is correct when it warns of sex outside of marriage? What are the downsides to casual sex? Is it really “loving yourself” to flaunt yourself all over social media and is there anything casual about rubbing your sex organs onto another person’s reproductive organs? When a person has sex, Dopamine (pleasure hormone) and Oxytocin (The bonding hormone) skyrocket in our brains. Our bodies and souls prepare for a union. After such an act is performed, if one party suddenly disappears or walks away, the soul and mind is left in a state of shock and confusion. If this happens too many times, the person can be left unable to trust these emotions and lose the ability to “pair-bond” with a mate.
Let us compare it to a thirsty man in the desert.——–
He is dying of thirst, and suddenly, he sees a lake full of fresh water. He runs to it with much joy and excitment in his heart, only to find it was a mirage! His heart is crushed and his will to live fades. Anytime he sees water in the future, he second guesses whether it is real or not.
This is what casual sex does to us. It treats a holy union as if its eating a hamburger, going to the bathroom to relief one’s self, or even worse, a great societal lie which destroys our faith in one another. There is NOTHING casual about sex. Going for a walk is casual. Having a conversation about the weather is casual. But sex is most assuredly NOT.
We have been tricked to believe that careers, social media followers, and going on exotic travel trips will cure our minds of dissatification or the existential crisis of our inevitiable death. But I say to you friends, It will not. As King Solomon, a man who was the wealthiest in his kingdom who had over 700 wives, wrote in his famous deathbed confessional speech in the Book of Ecclesiastes, found in the Holy Bible, to paraphrase his words…
“Vanity, vanity, all is vanity! Like a chasing of the wind. “
True joy comes from commitment towards things which bear fruit, or bring long lasting change, most importantly, a commitment towards God or your chosen higher power. Family is a close second. Careers can come and go. Beauty fades. Muscles degenerate as we age. But our faith in God and our commitments to our friends and family can see us through the darkest of times. This microwave society of instant gratification and grandious beliefs that our own understanding is superior to God’s, leaves us broken, empty, alone, and unable to bring ourselves to a state of being humble and ready to receive wisdom.
“A wise man thinks himself to be a fool. A fool thinks himself to be wise.” – William Shakespear
So what are the signs of a person who has brainwashed by the worldly desires and culture of hedonism? How do you deal with a date who suddenly stops answering your text messages and has perhaps made you into a second choice? How do we know when the love is real or your object of desire sees you as a toy of entertainment? To quote myself in a previous writing—-
“Love is like a relay race. Everyone is chasing someone. But in order to win the race, the thing you are chasing must turn around and acknowledge you. Love what loves you back! Constantly cancelling dates, leaving your messages on read, not acknowledging your relationship publicly… these are signs that you are chasing someone who doesn’t want to be caught! The race of love is won when nobody is running but instead joining together. When the love is real, you will not have to reach for it, but like a net, it will be there to catch you when you fall. Like a ray of sunshine on a cold day, it will appear to warm you. If you are tired of running, perhaps its time to stand STILL. For if the thing you desire truly loves you, it too will stop running and walk back towards you! Most people run away from good girls/guys and go for the so called “bad-boy/girl”, because they unconsciously fear the true love and commitment offered by the better man/girl. The bad boy/girl will never work out long-term and thus your fear of commitment is never addressed and you remain in your detached comfort-zone! If marriage isn’t the end goal, then you’re not “dating”, you’re just engaging in whoredom. “Dating” is the process of selection/courting not “random sex”. Time is very limited in this human life. Do not waste a second on a relationship that shall never bear fruit!!! Think 10 years from now, not 10 minutes from now. If you’ve been dating someone for a year, and the topic of marriage never comes up even once, then move on! You are just their toy. ” –
When seeking a potential spouse, consider their physical attractiveness, but do not make it your primary or sole criteria. If you truly desire a long standing life partner, ask questions about “values” such a religious, political, and philosophical values. Watch how they communicate to their parents. Watch how they treat the waiter, the bus driver, or those around them in public spaces. Ask them about their hobbies and life goals. Do they consider themselves more or others? Are their goals noble or selfish?
While it is impossible to find someone exactly like ourselves, which would actually be quite boring and disadventagous as it is sometimes good to learn from those who think differently than us, having more in common and having a greater number of shared values increases the chance of your relationship being successful.
We are basing too many relationships on fun, sex, and temporary pleasures instead of shared values. Unfortunately, many children are being unfairly produced from these fruitless relationships, thus resulting in an entire generation being born of parents without empathy or lasting spiritual ties. What chance do they have with such an example? Stable marriages on the foundation of society. Without a strong father and a nurturing wife, a child cannot learn of the Yin and Yangs of his/her heart properly.
The hedonistic ways of the Roman empire, “The Western Culture” has promoted hedonism since the days of Christ, and is now in full effect thanks to social media marketing its lifestyle. But, I say unto you, REJECT ROME and embrace the ways of the great spiritual leaders who created a moral scaffolding for our society.
Yeshua (Jesus Christ), The Buddha, Confucius… these leader used the law of conscious morality written on our hearts from God almight and turned them into codified systems of law. We have broken the law (commandments) and we are living in a society that is a result of that. The fruits born from hedonism is the society we see today. Record breaking divorce, incarcerations, addiction, gender dysphoria, increased suicide, hopelessness, fatherless homes, and a sense of nihilism or meaningless of life.
Come back to your creator and his natural remedy of family first, and a commitment to “service before self.” I will share a few Bible verses and quotes from spiritual leaders for you to mediate upon. Even if you are not a believer, these verses are reflective of a time when “commitment” truly meant something in the culture of the people of those days. Whether you choose to engage in or refrain from sexual relationships that don’t involve commitment, be warned that everything has a “pro” and a “con”. While it can be burdensome and archaic to wait for a seemingly “dogmatic” or “meaningless” ceremony to engage in sex, perhaps it can help us achieve its primary desire of protecting children and holding up accountable to our promises. Whether you engage in casual sex or not, the number one thing to take away is “transparency”. If both parties have a known agreement up front, it can mitigate damage, but you’re fighting an uphill battle. Humans are designed to fall in love and attach. To have sex without attachment is like waving a match over a gasoline, exciting as it may be, consequences can occur.
Meditate upon these words:
1 Corinthians 6:18-20 says “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.
King Solomon said it best: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). (Casual sex opens up your heart for injury)
“The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:8
“He who wishes to secure others first, has already secured himself.” Confucius
“I have a fear that the modern girl loves to be Juliet to have a dozen Romeos. She loves adventure… The modern girl dresses not to protect herself from wind, rain and sun, but to attract attention. She improves upon nature by painting herself and looking extraordinary.“ – Gandhi
” A wife of Noble Character. Who can find? She is worth more than rubies.” Proberbs 31
and most importantly…
Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.