In a May 20th article I wrote for EzineArticles, I offered five suggestions for how to avoid kissing frogs while dating. It’s worth mentioning that I only share my personal, emotional experiences and those of the men I’ve worked with for twenty years. I never offer advise or opinions, which have little or no value. While the five questions I suggested have worked well, I have an additional one that will help spare the need to kiss frogs. It was my personal dating demon, and I know it well.

How long has it been since your last relationship ended?

There are men and women who when thrown from their relationships get back on their dating horses immediately. Their behavior suggests relationships are simply revolving doors and that there’s no value in taking time to consider their feelings before moving on. They are professional dating frogs. They date by instinct, not feelings. They suck all the energy out of relationships and leave their partners exhausted and devastated. The question left in their wake is, what happened? Sadly, you’re what happened.

Few people exit failed relationships unscathed. Anger and pain are typical byproducts. Ignoring information that can be gleaned from a failed relationship is ignoring one’s personal history, a surefire way to repeat it. I was a history denier who repeated his dating mistakes rather than feeling the pain from them, and I’ve met many other singles who behave similarly. Ignoring end of relationship pain is not a small problem.

The personal history denier is too in love with the idea of being in love to take a break between relationships. They panic at the thought of being single and alone and don’t really care who they hurt in their quest for validation. If you date someone like this, don’t feel flattered. You’re just the next frog in line.

It would be helpful if men and women recently out of relationships wore signs around their necks as disclaimers. The signs needn’t be cruel or demeaning. Perhaps something along the lines of, “Recently single, probably angry, definitely hurting,” would do the trick. There wouldn’t be any excuses for becoming involved with someone wearing that sign because you’ve been sufficiently warned.

When I was first divorced, I remember sitting in a café, talking with a woman on a coffee date. Mine had been a nasty divorce and I was angry and hurt, although I ignored both and plowed ahead like a blind bull. I desperately needed to be loved and I didn’t really care who loved me. After a while I thought our conversation was going well enough and asked her out. She thanked me, but declined, saying that I should call her in a year when I was over my divorce. I was totally deflated and left the café feeling more angry and also rejected. I didn’t realize the favor she’d done me.

I went home feeling wounded, and it took me a few days to realize how right she had been not to date me. I was a dangerous frog. I was still angry with my ex-wife and that alone disqualified me as a man to date. Unfortunately I dated a few women who shared my ignorance for denying personal histories, and surprise, those relationships all ended, and badly. I finally woke up from my delusional dating behavior and stayed home long enough to work through my anger and be able to offer myself up as a whole man. I accomplished this with the help of eight other men in my mens group.

There are no rules in the dating world, which makes it hazardous since dating is a contact sport. The bruises are all on the inside and harder to notice than a black eye. Helmets and pads aren’t required, but frog radar is.

Men in particular frequently say that they aren’t hurt or bitter after relationship breakups, but that simply isn’t true. What is true is that they haven’t allowed themselves to experience their pain, and have stuffed it instead. I’ve observed this over twenty years, and I include myself in this observation. Men move on to their next relationship right after their last one, far more frequently than women. You want proof? Statistically, men divorce their second wives at an even higher rate than their first. Marrying on the rebound is the male frog’s specialty. So is dating too soon after a breakup. Many women behave similarly.

Until men and women recently out of relationships are required to wear signs around their necks, it’s worthwhile to ask a potential date how long it’s been since his or her last relationship ended? Last week, is a nightmare response. Three months ago is better. Longer than that is better still.

Paying attention is critical in the dating world. You wouldn’t purposely kiss someone who has a cold. Dating someone just out of a relationship is worse, because a relationship that’s doomed from the start will cause you to suffer far longer than a cold. Keep in mind that you can’t find your ideal man or woman while you’re with the wrong one. Make your dating life a No Frog zone.