Recently, I read an article entitled “A girl’s guide to her man’s equipment,” which led me to consider how unlikely it is we will ever see the title of this piece sent on millions of emails across the internet and headlined in news media the world over…or will we?

Things have changed substantially in this crazy world we live in, and the discussion of sex (taboo a generation ago, for the most part) is now rampant. We see, on television, on the internet, in newspapers, magazines, and throughout our bookstores, of course, tomes on how to please him/her/, for him/her. There is The Joy of Sex, The Joy of Gay Sex, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (the latter of which was found almost immediately to be of such little use that it’s laughable now).

So, this article I’m referring to, which came in an attachment to an email, tells the reader (any heterosexual woman) that she knows where to go for the lowdown on how her own equipment functions (go to girlfriends, Cosmo, or the ob-gyn doc), but what to do about knowledge about her man’s “thingie” down there? Well, they are happy to report that they’ve got all the answers.

Guess what? So do we, and here they are, but not for the women in the group, but for all those men who truly wish to have a better working knowledge of other men’s genitals, so they can be ready and equipped with knowledge when called upon. After all, more and more men are coming out these days – to themselves, to coworkers, to spouses, to their children, to their clergy, to the world at large, and – did I say this yet? – to themselves! It seems that we’ve suddenly discovered not just the joy of male-male relations, but that it’s perfectly normal and it won’t cause us to break out or become sissies.

Okay, the article’s first precept concerns penile size. Well, we know that there are plenty of size queens among us, but for the most part, we are all happy with the average penis – and that’s 5-6 inches, when erect. Larger men may seem smaller due to their girth, but of course, we all know that it’s not what you’ve got that counts, but how you use what you’ve got. Again, to the article: we learn that a woman’s vagina will adjust to the size of the penis. How does this work with us guys? Well, we’ve also learned that the anus will adjust to the size of the penis as well. It looks like the size of your partner’s penis isn’t all that important (sexually), though we all seem to crave a large one. Remember too, that orally, we don’t want something we can’t handle.

Number two on the hit list for the ladies was a discussion about penis enlargement. Essentially, the claims of the advertisements we’ve all seen are untrue – they don’t work. Can you exercise your muscle to increase its girth and length? Not really. Can you have surgery to increase your length? Will it hurt? That’s my next question, and if the answer to that is affirmative, guess what – no cutting, please! If you’re really desperate and your man seriously is one of those size queens, then you can always use a penis pump or a cock ring. These are temporary solutions.

What’s third, now? Surprise, surprise, they’re telling the ladies that men wake up in the morning with an erect penis. Wow – not much there for us, is there? We all know how it is…it used to be embarrassing for those of us who, in our younger years, wouldn’t have been caught dead with an erection in the presence of another guy. To wake up on a camping trip at the age of 13 with a raging hard-on and have the guy in the next bunk wondering if you were queer…what trauma! For most of us, we didn’t know at that stage of our lives how wonderful it was to be in the presence of an erect penis in the morning. Now, we crave it, and of course, when it doesn’t show up, we sulk.

Oh, next is a warning for the gals – is you bend your partner’s penis, it can break. No kidding…we all know the unctuous pain we derive from a wrongful position “down there.” Remember, guys – don’t try any gymnastic exercises with your man’s penis – that engorgement you see is the blood collecting in the tissues within, and we don’t want to see any of you traipsing into the emergency room with awkward gaits, embarrassed looks on your faces, and (for the closeted) that deer-in-the-headlights look that says, “oh no, what excuse can I possibly come up with?!”

The next tip for the ladies concerns the old saw about blue balls. We all have experienced the sensation that we feel in our testes when we don’t ejaculate. It’s painful and uncomfortable, and we don’t quite understand it. Frankly, however, I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced any problems ejaculating when in the arms of another man. I’ve got to admit that I’ve been involved in heterosexual relations (even been married), and that there have been times when I was unable to ejaculate when with a woman. I guess, by now, that I realize it’s probably more related to my homosexuality than it is to any performance issues in general. My natural self has no issues, but when engaged in heterosexual conduct, it’s not so easy. Oh by the way, the tip that was left for the ladies was that a lack of ejaculation wasn’t going to mean that their men’s testes were going to explode! Oh my! Let’s hope not.

Moving on, the next topic for discussion was a lack of erection at all. Of course, there can be many reasons for this – as we have learned in the recent past, many men suffer from ED (erectile disfunction). Hey, even Bob Dole went on the dole for the curing product. And even though they were clearly made for the heterosexual audience, didn’t we get a kick out of those commercials where Bob (not Dole) was grinning ear-to-ear because of the success he was having with his new medication? But seriously, we know also, these days, that penile issues are often harbingers of other health problems, so if your guy isn’t as hard as he used to be as often as he used to be, saddle him up (oops…sorry) and get on down to the doctor’s office for a checkup before it gets too late.

Then there’s premature ejaculation. You know…you’re enjoying yourself in bed with your man, taking your time to get the ultimate pleasure, when Wham! here it comes! Okay, there are solutions to this. The ladies are told to slow down and take things slow. Isn’t that what lovemaking is about anyway? Slow, soft caresses, plenty of kisses (here, there and everywhere), an occasional breath. Maybe you can take turns if you’re fellating each other; there’s no need to sixty-nine all the time after all. Our email hints tell us (again, for the ladies) that a start-stop method might be useful. Another option – go at it quick, and have another go-round later. I don’t know if this suggestion is as meaningful for two gays as it might be with a male/female coupling. Hey, they even discuss anti-depressants as a treatment for premature ejaculation. Methinks we’re going a bit too far here.

Last but not least on the ladies’ tips – the erection that keeps going and going – how to deal with that? This is commonly called priapism, and if it goes untreated, it can lead to ghastly results. Keep in mind that the insecure guy you met recently may feel the need to double up on his pills, and that can lead to a prolonged erection (and danger). I love what they told the ladies in the event this constantly erect status continued – “swallow your embarrassment and go to the emergency room.” Well, we all know that women rarely swallow anyway, don’t we?

But, seriously, there’s lots of things to know about our penises, and our partner’s penis. We have far more sources of knowledge than ever before – just do an internet search and be amazed at what you find. I have to admit that I’ve long been an admirer of a site called the(dash)penis, a site I discovered many years ago when I began to question my own sexuality; coming to grips with being gay after all those years of denial. The site has a wealth of information – a whole page (!) on the site is devoted to gay and bisexual men and boys. Seriously, though, there’s lots of good information there and I suggest you check it out.

Another site that is interesting, entertaining and informative is from Australia at http://www.six.com.au. It’s all about male bodies and how we can best enjoy each other’s. It’s touted as entertainment for mature humans. Here you’ll find a gallery of hot guys, interesting articles on various techniques – all to help you enjoy your man all the more.

It’s so entertaining to see the tip sheets given to women to help them learn how to please their men. Perhaps every wife ought to hire a gay man to teach her. It’s clear that enjoyment is the key. If a woman can’t enjoy pleasing her man, she might as well give him over to his gay brothers, because we all have the necessary knowledge and the desire.