We hear a lot of conversation about setting boundaries and how we learn about them as we grow up. Sometimes it makes sense and other times can be quite confusing. It helps to have some specifics about what it all means. Internal boundaries involve listening and talking while external boundaries involve touch and personal space.

Internal boundary violations include indicating by word or deed that another person is worth less, yelling or screaming, ridiculing or making fun of another, lying, breaking a commitment for no reason, attempting to control or manipulate another, being sarcastic, and interrupting.

External boundary violations include not having another’s permission for the following: standing in his/her space, touching, getting into his/her belongings and living space (purse, wallet, mail, closet, etc.), and listening to his/her personal conversation. Not allowing a person to have privacy or violating a person’s right to privacy, exposing others to contagious disease, and smoking around nonsmokers in a nonsmoking area are also external boundary offenses.

With healthy boundary setting we let others know how close they can stand and whether or not our property can be touched. We are respectful of others’ private space and do not touch without permission. We sort through what others are saying and feeling and only take in and have feelings about the truth as we see it. We also speak clearly in a tactful and diplomatic manner and release emotions with moderation.

We teach people how to treat us by letting them know what our boundaries are and by honoring their boundaries as well. If we are not taught how to do this at home, it creates relationship problems later in life. Our internal self talk is a component of this dynamic. If we criticize and demean ourselves or others, we participate in devaluing our worth and theirs. Our self talk makes a big difference in our peace of mind and our ability to get along with others. It is helpful to listen to the internal voice and change the words we hear to words of appreciation and respect, encouragement and patience. As we do this for ourselves, it becomes easier to do it for others.

In relationships boundaries show up as esteem issues, clinging or avoiding behaviors, dishonesty, interdependence problems, and emotional maturity problems. These all indicate disparity in boundary setting while growing up. Parents do not intentionally cause harm, but can be too little or too much involved with their children. When we as parents depend on children for our needs, we set up enmeshment. When we are not available, we set up abandonment. Nurturing our children well leads to their health and well being. It provides both good internal self talk and appropriate boundary setting.

A wounded child will feel less than others, have loose boundaries, be bad or rebellious or too dependent or immature or have no self control. The adult as a wounded child will feel better than others, will be too rigid, try to be too good or perfect, or will be too independent and not let themselves need or want, and be super mature or controlling.

In spite of our past experiences, we can be aware of how we function and make changes. In order to be aware, we also have to have some knowledge of the normal range of boundary setting. If we did not have good models, we can find them and we can work with a therapist or coach to learn how to do things differently.