Often people say things that put us in a “one down” position. They will make a comment or ask a question that implies a criticism but is not direct. (Think of Marie in “Everybody Loves Raymond”!)

This is Purple Monkey Syndrome at its best! Someone is setting you up to accept blame or guilt and doing it in a back-handed way.

How do we handle a situation like that? One effective way is to challenge the comment directly, although that is not always easy to do.

Here’s an example:

A friend of mine recently had relatives come for a brief visit. The relatives are fully aware that not only is she working full time, but she is looking for a new job as well.

They nicely said not to bother doing any special cleaning or getting in groceries. They would be fine. However, when they arrived and my friend came home from work, the woman asked, “When is the housekeeper coming to clean?”

(Are you screaming yet?)

Of course, the woman knew there was no housekeeper. She wanted to convey her unhappiness with what she saw as an messy house.

At any rate, my friend spoke up and said, “You know I have no housekeeper. You seem to be saying that my house is not clean enough for you. Yet you only let me know 2 days ago you were coming, AND you said not to bother doing any special cleaning. I’m angry and hurt.”

Now, you would think the woman would be embarrassed by her criticism. Instead, she did what many people do when confronted with their passive aggressive statements. She tried to minimize my friend’s feelings.

This woman said, “You ‘shouldn’t’ feel bad. I didn’t mean anything by it. You’re too sensitive.”

Note her attempt to shift the blame once again from herself to my friend.

These situations happen to all of us, but we need to stand our ground. My friend took the first step: naming the truth of the criticism.

She could also have taken a second step by claiming her right to any feelings caused by her relative’s underhanded criticism.

Use this two-step process any time you are confronted with statements or questions that imply criticism or blame, but do not name it directly:

(1) Name what is happening and

(2) Allow yourself to both feel and name the feelings you experience.

If you do this consistently, people will stop using this passive aggressive tactic with you because they feel uncomfortable when you name their behavior. They may not apologize or own their behavior, but they will stop it.