There’s an eighteen year old girl expecting her first child. There’s a twenty-one year old, young adult, expecting her second child. Then there’s a twenty-five year old mom married with three children. A thirty-year old stay at home mother of four. There’s a woman thirty-five years old with a Masters Degree, unemployed, divorced and starting over. Who is she? I am she. I was all of those ladies years ago. That she was me and I was me before I was mom. How do you juggle it all and where do you draw the line? Does being a mother bring joy to you anymore? Do those cute little feet you once kissed, now stomp your heart with no forgiveness. You taught manners and lead a decent life by example. Never did drugs, graduated college and divorced yourself from that god-awful relationship and for what. They grew up did drugs, dropped out of school and blamed you. You’re a single parent… now what.

Every other weekend visits with dad, no rules, just play time and a break from mom. There you are at home, figuring out a way to make ends meet. The thoughts of taking on a second job, working overtime, starting a new business or working from home are draining, you don’t want to, but something must be done. Your days are filled with stresses of survival. Years go by visits with dad are scarce or none at all. Yet your job as a mom is extended and turned up a notch. A new way of life for the family is beginning. High school prom, smug attitudes, twisted communication or lack of, lying when the truth is obvious, college tuition, best friend fights, learning to drive, first loves and last dollar spent on the latest smart phone. You are the ring master in your circus of a life. The kids are getting older and exploring the world, you look about and you’re alone. Going on a date would be great if you had the time and nerve. But then who are you kidding, if you got the nerve would you know what to do? You have been out of the game for so long, you would not know where to begin and then wonder if it’s worth the trouble. It would be easier to head to the nearest drive through window, grab a meal, watch a Scandal re-run and not be bothered. I get it… I understand it all. The secret is, be selfish! Be selfish just a little, nothing that will have social workers knocking on your door, but just enough selfish to keep your sanity.

Here’s what I know to be fact. You cannot control life! While all of your attempts at raising the perfect child are noble… stop it! The reality is, to do what works for you and to make time for yourself is a must. When it gets to the point that as a single mother you are afraid to go on a date or be open to starting over with a new love. It’s time to evaluate your priorities and figure out where you went wrong. You can love your children to pieces. Honestly, unless you are a black widow spider that feeds on her young, of course you will love them. But you must love yourself a smidgen more. What good are you if you are a child pleasing enabler? What lessons are you teaching if you allow your child or children to watch you sacrifice and lose yourself by pleasing everyone and neglecting your soul? It seems harmless making them your world but you are doing them more harm than good. Instead, gain the strength to be a confident you. Let your daughters see that being a mom isn’t limited to the kitchen or laundry room in fact, we wear many hats, from the board room to the bed room, from the playground to the battlefield. Let her see your skills as multi-task genius. Let your sons see that you are a great leader and an excellent team player. So when he’s choosing a wife he’s choosing a life partner, not an overbearing, enabling mother type that he has grown accustom to. Trust me, know one wants to date a mama’ boy. So do the ladies of the world a favor and get a life.

I know it may seem easier said than done. But here is the rule: For every five years of their life you are required to change three things for you. First up will be your appearance that includes a new wardrobe and hair style. Second is a hobby… get one. If you started scrap booking when they were five on their tenth birthday learn to draw, when they are fifteen start painting on a canvas, by the time they graduate college you’ll be opening an art gallery or at least able to paint a bowl of fruit, but you get what I’m saying. Constantly reinventing yourself is a plus. Children are dog like they don’t fully understand us and the majority of the time their not listening. All they want is to be feed, loved, and praised. So give them that and take some for yourself. Last but not least every five years you must change your thinking. Believe it or not their minds are centered on other things outside of your pot roast. The aspect of your relationship with them depends on your ability to adapt. Therefore your thinking and listening skills should change accordingly. Be the type of mom that your child or children want to talk and not just on mother’s day and Christmas.