One of the most common problems in sexual relationships is men falling asleep immediately after sex. If your man does this, you can perhaps take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. In fact, most men go to sleep immediately afterwards, so if you have this problem you are in the majority and if you don’t you are in the lucky minority.

Fortunately, there are some easy steps you can take to fix this problem. If you’ve already dropped some subtle (or not so subtle hints) and had no response, don’t despair. Experience (and field research) has shown that men seldom respond to this, certainly not in the long term. However, there are other methods which have been shown to be more effective.

The first step to fixing this problem is understanding it. The main causes are discussed in some detail in the article Why Do Men Go To Sleep After Sex. However, briefly there are:

• Fatigue and/or relaxation. Sex most often occurs late in the day, when men are tired. It also typically occurs in the bedroom, the natural place for sleep. In addition, sex often is relaxing, not least due to the release of sexual tension.
• Environment. Habit and environment are strong influences. For most people, it is natural to sleep in bed and to sleep at night. Consequently, after having sex in bed late in the day, it is natural for most men to then simply go to sleep.
• Hormonal. A variety of brain chemicals and hormones are released during sex; some of which are linked to relaxation and sleep.
• Indifference. This is the explanation most frequently given by women when asked why men fall asleep after sex. They propose that the man’s needs (sexual release) have been met and they are then no longer interested in the woman’s needs.

Of course, there are some men who will naturally cuddle after sex, and others who will do so in response to their partner’s emotional needs. However, if you are in the majority of women whose men do not do this, you have three choices:

• Accept that your emotional needs for cuddling after sex will not be met. Obviously, this is not a satisfactory situation.
• Ask (or insist) that he cuddle. This may work, but as explained in the article quoted above, it usually doesn’t.
• Remove the factors which cause him to fall asleep after sex. In general, this is the most successful approach, and is the one discussed by this article.

The first thing to do is to try and have sex when he is not tired. For example, instead of having sex at night, wake him up on a Saturday or Sunday morning (but not when he is hung over or has to rush off somewhere) in a provocative way. Be extra sexy and try extra hard to please him. If sex in the morning is a special treat, he will want to repeat it. Also, you may also find that on a weekend morning you can have more leisurely sex (although this is more difficult if you have young children that need attention) and are not tired from work, which can also make it especially pleasing. If he has just had a good night’s rest, he is less likely to fall asleep afterwards. If mornings are not possible, then a weekend afternoon perhaps.

Relaxation also plays a big part. Consider things that will stop him falling into a relaxed stupor afterwards. Wear sexy underwear that you haven’t before, make love in a different way, tell him that you have a surprise for him later in the evening. Anything that adds a bit of emotional edge, excitement, anticipation, surprise.

The environment is very important. Sex in bed is comfortable, but is also very conductive to sleep afterwards. Try a different location; for example throw a thick blanket down on the living room floor. Candles and/or a lit fireplace can add atmosphere. Have music in the background; preferably something not too soothing. Think of the things that help him sleep (for example, quiet, dark, soft bed, late at night, alcohol, evening watching TV) and change them.

The third item, hormonal, is more difficult (if not impossible). As discussed above and in the reverenced article, sleep hormones are released during the point of climax, with more intense climaxes releasing greater amounts of the hormone. Just remember that the hormones do not force a man to go to sleep, they just make him more predisposed. Get the other things right and you can hope to have you man wide awake afterwards.

Most men find sleep after sex (especially with the associated release of sleep hormones) completely natural and find it very difficult to understand or respond to their partner’s emotional needs for post-sex cuddling and bonding. The can try asking and explaining, but experience shows that this is seldom effective. Likewise, anger, threats or withholding of sex isn’t particularly effective (nor does it get the type of response that one wants). Experience shows that in this case, as in so many other situations, positive reinforcement is the most effective approach. One begins by getting him to cuddle a bit, even if it is only for a few seconds and mostly you doing the cuddling, then telling him that you like it. Telling a man that he has done something well in bed (cuddled you) and pleased you in so doing will almost always be far more effective than criticizing him (e.g. for not cuddling). Once you get him up to a decent cuddle, you can try more extreme reinforcement. For example, next day tell him how much you enjoyed cuddling after sex; if he is embarrassed don’t worry as this means that he will likely remember it all the better.

If you happen to mention one day that you were talking to your girlfriends who were complaining about their men falling asleep after sex and you told them that you are blessed with a great lover that doesn’t do this, that should really stick in his mind. After all, while possibly embarrassing, what man doesn’t want to be known as a great lover? Certainly, he doesn’t want you to go back to them a few weeks later and say that he falls asleep like all the rest.

Of course, not all of these techniques are suitable for each couple. You need to decide for yourself what is appropriate and effective for your relationship.