You met your Prince Charming… so you thought. He was perfect, and you loved the way he was devoted to his child, and how diligent he was in taking care of his responsibilities. He was loving and flexible with his ex-wife, and you were convinced that life would be perfect. Then, you got married. Your bubble soon was burst, and the ex-wife and child seemed to be paramount in everyday life. You, and your children, seemed to be an after though. Ahh… the stepfamily life. Nobody quite understands the implications of such a family until you are placed in one.

I will be honest, I never thought my stepfamily life would be as hard as it has been-but I will tell you, I wouldn’t change it for anything. I have been through some of the most miserable times of my life-all for God to pick me up and place me on a firm and lasting foundation. My stepfamily life was all a part of God’s plan, and I know that he has a plan for you!

For those that are struggling with the “second wife syndrome”, take heart. Grab a cup of coffee and let me tell you a little bit about my story, give you some signs that you are in trouble, and hopefully give you a place of hope. I stand firmly on God’s word to tell you that no matter what the situation is in your marriage, there is hope and restoration available to every marriage and to every stepfamily.

First of all, have you ever considered the family dynamics that Jesus was placed in? Since he was born of the Father, his earthly father, Joseph, was actually his step-father. Then, to grow up with siblings that most likely saw Jesus as the “favorite” child… can you imagine the amount of sibling rivalry in that house? We tend to feel inadequate because of our “step family” status, when in fact Jesus, the Savior of the World, was part of one. Rest assured, God can take the biggest, most desperate of situations, and make a masterpiece out of them.

Here are five signs that you have given the “second wife syndrome” a place in your home:

1. You feel “second”. While this may seem confusing to some, those that are in this situation understand exactly what being “second” is. It is the ex-wife and child always coming first, the continued sacrifices, and continued feelings of injustice that the new wife and child feel. I married a Godly, wonderful man, and while everything in our relationship was healthy and happy, this one area of feeling “second” made me extremely miserable in my marriage. Step family life is much different and significantly more complex than traditional families and many second wives feel just that… “second”.

2. You are easily offended: You may have been a confident and happy woman, but since marrying a man with an ex-wife and child, you feel inadequate, insecure and every little thing offends you-especially things that revolve around the child and/or ex-wife. I remember crying many nights while washing the dishes-all because of small instances that were offending me.

3. You compare yourself to the Ex-Wife: I cannot tell you how much that this one can negatively affect your marriage, your self-worth and your ability to be successful in your step-family. This dominated my life for the first year and a half of my remarriage. I had thoughts such as: “she was the first choice, skinnier, has a child with him, has his money, and has his memories”… the list could go on and on. I struggled with this severely in my marriage, and finally conquered it head on, and won.

4. You feel the need to “Win”. You want control… over your household, your finances, your husband, his decisions, and the ex-wife- there are too many to list here! It is very easy for second wives to get into the habit of wanting control. In stepfamily life, there are too many variables, and you cannot control the outcome of other people’s decisions. As a second wife, I had to learn this-and it took me a while! I was miserable because I wanted the ex-wife to make the right decision, I wanted the child to do the right thing, I wanted my husband to tell them to do the right thing, and I wanted everyone to see my point of view. I realized that my unhappiness had nothing to do with my stepfamily members-it had to do 100% with me, and my need for control. It was unwarranted, unhealthy and was making my stepfamily suffer.

5. You have thought “I want out”: I cannot tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep, thinking that I wanted out. I wanted my stable, happy and predictable life back. I felt wronged, I felt like I had been lied to, and I felt like I had been tricked into this stepfamily stuff! I was a mess, and I was making a mess or my marriage and stepfamily. If you have thought this, take heart! I am here to testify that through Jesus, my marriage, my stepfamily, EVERYTHING in my life was transformed.

I suffered severely from all of the above signs, and truly believed that my marriage had no hope. My marriage was once on the brink of divorce-it is now full of passion, love and hope.

If you find yourself relating to these signs, prayerfully consider counseling, therapy or seeing a Marriage Coach. Proverbs 14:1 tells us that “every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one tears it down with her own hands”.

Begin a stepmom and/or second wife is usually the most complicated and most difficult role to play in a stepfamily-yet it is also the role that has the most potential for stepfamily change and success!