Your perceptions create your reality, which is why it is critical that you be aware of your perceptions and be open to new perceptions. If you believe that ‘they’ are out to get you, or that ‘they’ want to keep you down, you will behave in such a way as to prove that point. I had discussion with friends recently about a woman’s rise to power and the glass ceiling. Is there a glass ceiling, or do you perceive that there is one and act as though there is? If there are five partners in the firm and one of them is a woman, do you decide that there is not room for you because the one ‘token’ woman has the position? Does your behavior reflect that position? Do you get resentful? Do you look for another job or do you step up to the plate and ask for a partnership? Do you give up and say it won’t happen to you or do you see future opportunities?
If you leave an organization because you do not want to work the hours, or because you no longer choose to live in a suit, do you blame your decision on lack of opportunity, or do you think you made a positive choice for you and your family? There are woman who choose to stay and move up the ranks, that is their choice and they reap those rewards. You can choose differently for different reasons.
When I speak around the country to different groups, I often hear how perceptions color experiences. I see it in young people; often they feel that they are not being taken seriously, or that people perceive that they are ‘bad’. They want be taken seriously no matter how they dress, speak or participate within a group. They don’t want to change, but they want you to change how you perceive them. Life just doesn’t work that way.
I recently spoke to a minority conference committee of mid level managers who volunteered for their professional association. They were adamant that this year they did not want to ‘have fun’ at their conference, because they wanted to be perceived as serious and career oriented. They felt that too many professionals and leaders from other divisions, groups and ethnicities were coming to their conference because it was ‘fun’, and that ‘those’ people would perceive their group as not being career oriented, focused, accomplished and smart.
A group of consultants and senior management leaders who heard their rationale were stunned. These senior leaders were stunned because the perceptions of the volunteers were opposite of how they, the leaders, felt.
Senior leaders thought the minority professional association conference was a winner because so many different people attended. They held the conference as an example for others. If people are choosing to come (given all the demands on their time), the organizers are doing something right!
The volunteers thought that it was terrible that the leaders and senior staff came because the conference was fun.
Senior leaders thought the volunteer organizers had been creative and strategic about marketing past conferences. Making the events fun, on purpose, in order to market and reach diverse leaders while providing outstanding workshops.
The volunteers thought the conference should be a ‘professional conference’, serious and intense. They felt the ‘fun factor’ diminished their abilities in the eyes of the leaders. The volunteers were more focused on what they thought people perceived without every researching or evaluating why leaders and professionals came.
Their belief in their perceptions prevented the volunteers from enhancing the conference. Their perceptions prevented them from asking “How can we use our assets, to build a more effective network and leverage those relationships for more opportunities for our members?” Their assets: having diverse leaders and professionals attend the conference because they enjoyed the conference.
It was the organizers own perceptions and later their decisions based on those perceptions that sabotaged their conference. They marketed the conference as serious and career oriented. Attendance went down; they complained that the senior management and members of other groups and divisions did not support them. They never took responsibility for their own actions based on their negative perceptions.
In a global market you need to be careful about your perceptions and how you may be sabotaging yourself and opportunities in the world.
My daughter and mother are traveling through India. They are in a small town in the Himalayas. My daughter experienced altitude sickness and was rushed to the local hospital. I didn’t hear about the episode until three days later. I learned that she had three shots and six hours of oxygen. Andi has never been sick in her life; she waited to go the other side of the world to get sick. What was fascinating to me was how people, in my network, were concerned about the quality of care she received. Without knowing where she was, without knowing anything about the health care system, people had perceptions about the quality of care. They perceived that she received poor quality care. They based their perceptions on media images and stories.
Meanwhile, my daughter and mom wrote glowing emails about the quality of care and the hospital staff. Here are two drastically different perceptions. My family chose the more positive and optimistic perception based on real data. The result was one very calm Mom and Dad (my husband and I). Andi is okay and loves being in India. If you live in India, thank you for welcoming my family to your country.
Dr. Lisa Whitten and Dr. Linda Anderson wrote “The Psychology of African-American Success: The Internal Dialogue”. In the article they stated, “if the negative self-statements (perceptions) are not acknowledged, understood or resolved, they can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors and attitudes. These behaviors and attitudes are usually out of your awareness. Moreover, some of the negative self-statements appear perfectly rational and reasonable, because they are sometimes reflected in the folk wisdom of your [African-American] communities. These notions are often unquestioned and therefore accepted by many people. For example, John Ogbu, Ph.D. an anthropologist has studied barriers to achievement motivation among African-American high school students, pointing to the perception that students who are “smart” are “acting white” or “think they are white.”
They go on to discuss that if a person perceives that that they will be ostracized from their group for behaving differently, they will sabotage their own desires to change and achieve.
When I was living in the Bronx and was hanging around with a rough crowd, people perceived me as being crazy, mean and violent. When I walked with my friends people passing us would walk to the other side of the street. I remember thinking that it was such a joke, most of the time we just acted tough. Yes, there were fights and yes there were times that I was scared, but most of the time you played on people’s perceptions of who you wanted them to think you were.
I was miserable, I knew that I was meant for more than hanging out on a corner and that the group I was spending my time with was not success oriented at all. I had to leave and move on. I never shared my desire for a better life with them. I knew what they would say to me and how they would tease me. I also knew that if I stayed my future would be bleak. My older sister was a heroin addict and was well known among this group of people.
I left and lived in Spain for three years. During that time and after returning home, I had the perception that people didn’t think I was as good as them because of my past. I finally realized it was all in my head. They didn’t know about my past.
I learned a long time ago that I can not know what someone else is thinking. I learned that often what I perceived was going on was not. I was basing my perceptions on old thought patterns. If I perceived that they didn’t like me, or that they are against me because of my background, I acted like they didn’t like me or were against me. My behavior and their reactions towards my behavior validated my perceptions.
As I got older I sought information about how to become the person I wanted to be. I changed my behavior, my dress, my outlook on life and people responded differently to me. I had to change first before others ‘perceived’ me differently.
People reacted to my perceptions of my self and I could change my perceptions, thereby changing their behavior towards me. The only thing I was manipulating was my own mind, my own thoughts and my own actions, so that I reaped the rewards. It worked.
How about you? What perceptions are you focused on? That ‘they’ are against you? Or are you saying to yourself, “I’m great and I am open to receiving support, advise and opportunities” Depending on your thoughts and perceptions you reap the results in your life.
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Pegine’s Quote of the Month:
You are what you think not what you think they think.
~Pegine Echevarria, MSW
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Quotes of the Month:
Two men look out a window. One sees mud, the other sees the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde
Reality doesn’t bite, rather your perception of reality bites.
~Anthony J D’Angelo
Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you you’re meant to be.
~ George Sheehan
The greatest revolution of your generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.
~William James, American Psychologist
“There is in this world, no such force as the force of a {wo}man determined to rise.”
~W.E.B. DuBois
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Try-its:
To start changing your thoughts you need to know the thoughts that you are thinking. Look at your life and career right now. What isn’t working? Are you lonely? Are you in debt? Have you been passed over for a promotion? Are you meeting your goals? Are your direct reports calling in sick or not producing?
When you focus on these issues what thoughts go through your head. What do you BELIEVE about the situation, the people, or the institution?
Write these thoughts down. Make as long list. Write until nothing else comes up.
These are your self-defeating attitudes. They limit your ability to seek solutions. When you focus on these beliefs then there is no solution. As a matter of fact you end up getting deeper the problem or situation becoming worse.
Now take each statement and change it into a positive statement. Write the complete opposite of the statements you wrote. Make them action oriented for today.
These are your self-affirming attitudes, here is an example:
The issue is: your assistant is leaving.
What do you BELIEVE about the situation, the people, or the institution?
* She was the best assistant I ever had. It will be really hard to replace her.
* No one has ever been able to work with me the way she has
What other beliefs are popping in your head?
* I can’t find a replacement for her
* I hate interviewing people
* Why does she have to leave?
* Great just when I needed her most
These are examples of self-defeating attitudes.
Now take each statement and change it into a positive statement
* She was a great assistant and I know I will find someone with her skills and more
* I know that she and I made a great team. I now know that I am part of a great team and I’m looking for my new and improved partner.
* I know that my network knows a great new assistant
* I love meeting new people and learning about their skills, passion and desires.
* My assistant has great opportunities and I want the best for her. This opens new doors to grow for me.
* She has taught me new skills and processes that make my office run efficiently. I know that I can manage while waiting for my new assistant.
These are examples of self-affirming attitudes.
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Kick-butt actions:
Be aware of how your perceptions are affecting others.
Do you perceive your child as lazy? Perceive them in a different way
Do you perceive yourself as boring? Perceive yourself in a different way.
Do you perceive that ‘they’ are out to keep you down? Perceive them in a different way
Do you see yourself as a winner? Make your perception bigger
Do you see yourself as earning a certain figure? Perceive yourself making more
Are you loved? Perceive even more love in your life
Are you energetic? Perceive yourself as being more energetic and enthusiastic.
What are your results?
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Have You?
Told your brother or sister how important they are to you?
Called your dad or mom today?
Stopped to visit a neighbor and brought them a cake?
Sent a card of congratulations to your boss on a job well done?
Told you team how glad you are that they work with you?
Smiled at your self today and told your self “I love you”?