There are three key steps involved in constructive conflict resolution: (1) depersonalize the issue; (2) defuse the situation; and (3) direct the conversation.

Step 1. Depersonalize the Issue

In order to depersonalize the issue, we need to recognize that the individuals who are involved may have very different communication and trust strategies and needs.

We really need to assess the personality of the other person involved.

First, it is possible that our “conflict” is simply a misunderstanding, caused because we took personally someone else’s behavior.

Second, if there is an actual conflict, it is useful to anticipate the conflict management strategy this individual is likely to use.

Third, as we move to direct the conversation, we will be more effective if we phrase our communication in terms that are of greatest interest to the other person.

Step 2. Defuse the Situation

In order to defuse the situation, we need to be able to keep ourselves and the other person calm and rational. It is very difficult to have a constructive, problem-solving conversation when neither side is able to be objective about the issue at hand.

First, we need to recognize when we and/or the other person are functioning on an irrational level. At such times, words will not be effective. It is important to take a break, step back from the situation, and wait until we are both able to engage on a more rational level.

Second, it is important to accept the fact that we, and only we, control our emotional response to any situation. If we are uncomfortable with our behavior in a conflict situation, we need to identify and possibly replace the personal beliefs that made us “choose” that behavior.

Third, our awareness of our own defensive reactions should help to make us more sensitive to the impact of our words and behaviors on others. Hopefully, we will phrase our message in a manner that is less likely to cause a defensive reaction in the other person.

Step 3. Direct the Conversation

In order to direct the conversation, it helps to broach the matter as a mutual problem to be solved, rather than a win/lose situation.

The first two steps in our constructive conflict resolution strategy allow us to accomplish the first key principle of collaboration, or win/win negotiation: separate the people from the problem.

In this third step, we can initiate a conversation that focuses on the two remaining principles of collaboration: focus on interests, not positions, and invent options for mutual gain.

We are much more likely to resolve a conflict in a constructive manner if we depersonalize the issue, defuse the situation, and direct the conversation in a problem solving direction using win/win negotiation techniques.