I recently heard from a wife whose husband was asking for something that she wasn’t sure she could give. About six months ago, the wife had found out that her husband had cheated. The husband confessed this himself. He promised to make everything up to the wife and, after thinking about it, she committed to saving the marriage. However, as time went on, she started to learn more details. And, she found out the they weren’t talking about a one night stand type of cheating. They were talking about a full blown affair. The husband had carried on for months with a coworker and had spent quite a deal of time and money on the relationship. The wife found texts were the husband was declaring loving feelings for the other woman. This type of emotional betrayal was almost impossible for her to accept.

But, it seemed the more upset the wife became, the more apologetic her husband became. Now, he was insisting that he would do anything to get his wife back and that he didn’t know what he would do if he lost her. Needless to say, the wife felt completely torn. She was furious with her husband and some days, didn’t even want to be in the same room with him. But she couldn’t deny that she wanted to save her marriage. However, she knew that one condition of this was going to be to forgive her husband for the cheating and the affair. In fact, he was asking for her forgiveness on an almost daily basis because he could not stand that disappointed and painful look in her eyes.

And every time he asked her for forgiveness, there was a little voice in the back of her mind that told her this just might be an impossible request. Because every time she thought about forgiving him, about five minutes later, she started thinking about how much he betrayed her in so many ways. And her willingness to forgive turned to anger. And she just couldn’t imagine that anything could derail this process.

I do understand. I have felt these feelings, but as my healing was some time ago and I have a bit of distance, I can tell you that you may not always feel the same as you feel right now. Sometimes, forgiveness is possible even when you doubt it. And sometimes, it helps more than you can possibly know.

You Should Never Force Or Rush Your Forgiveness For His Cheating. It Must Be Earned: Even though forgiveness can be healing, it’s not going to work unless you are ready to give it. You can’t just decide that you “should” or are going to forgive when deep down you don’t feel it’s deserving. Because eventually, your resentment is going to come back if you force it.

Forgiveness doesn’t “stick” unless it’s been earned. If it’s not earned, you will always wonder and have those nagging doubts. So, when a husband is begging and pleading for forgiveness but you know in your heart it’s too soon, or you’re not ready, there is nothing wrong with saying so. In this scenario, the wife might consider telling her husband that, although she was very open to forgiving when she was ready and able to do so, she hadn’t yet reached that point.

She was going to need to see some genuine remorse and rehabilitation. And it would take time to see if her husband was willing to earn her trust again by acting completely trustworthy from here on out without fail. This process can’t and shouldn’t be rushed. A husband who is genuine in his promise to “do anything” to save the marriage should understand this and should be patient.

When You’re Ready To Forgive, It Can Be Very Healing: I’m sure you’ve heard people say that forgiveness is for the person offering it rather than the person asking for it. What people mean by this is that carrying around hurt and anger really does take it toll on you. It takes a lot of energy to cling to the anger and it’s emotionally draining. When you can release these feelings, it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted.

And many wives in this situation don’t necessary forgive for their husband’s sake. They forgive for their own sake, for the sake of their marriage, and for the sake of their children. They want to start again from a healthy place and they know that continuing to hold the negative emotions is not in their own best interests.

With that said, forgiveness isn’t possible, or isn’t the right answer, for everyone. But sometimes, it really has been earned and giving it can offer you as much relief as your husband.